It’s still very important, though.1

Dependence is Taboo

An observation I’ve noticed recently is how vigilant individuals are to being or displaying traits synonymous with dependence. Almost every other pop-psychology or self-growth book reiterates the dangers of dependence. For good reason, too, since it’s well established that being dependent – whether that’s of an emotional, physical, or mental nature – is a sign of immaturity. Nearly, all these books, however, present independence as a remedy.

Supporting tenets such as self-reliance and the power of your own individual effort, this school of thought has come on top recently. Signs of relying on others or requesting support of any kind are immediately met with eyebrow raises and thoughts of “being needy. ” The problem with this ideology, however, is that it puts too much focus on the individual and engenders the mentality that maturity comes from rejecting the help of others.

We Should Desire the Support of Others

Do you recall doing algebra problems where 2 friends work together to paint a fence or to pick apples (or some other random activity)?

Alex can paint a fence in 3 hours by himself. Beatrice can paint the same fence in 5 hours. If both Alex and Beatrice painted the fence, how long would it take?

some textbook, probably

In these word problems, the rate at which the combined effort of both individuals is much larger and the time required to complete the task is much less than either individual on their own. While it’s evident in the fence-painting example that the power of having the help of others makes them more effective, it’s not always as obvious. For example, in a relationship where both partners spend a significant amount of their free time with another and would consider each other their best friend and confidante, is that level of support healthy or unhealthy? Is it too much time spent? Co-dependence? Immature?

Interdependence is NOT dependence

The key difference between healthy and unhealthy support is whether the individual seeking support is also capable without that support. In other words, they have already achieved independence.

Seeking support by itself is not unhealthy behavior. In fact, most emotionally mature individuals will request advice and feedback from others – and on a regular basis at that. However, these individuals are also self-reliant. They’re emotionally interdependent, not solely relying on the feedback of others, but rather considering that input alongside their own.

Dependence is when the support of others is required for them to get what they want. Interdependence, however, doesn’t require others’ support – that support is combined with their own efforts to achieve even more.

The Maturity Continuum

The maturity continuum is a natural law where the more an individual grows and develops, the further along the continuum they stand. Dependence is the low end of maturity, independence come next, and finally the most mature is the state of being interdependent.

Dependence – “YOU”

Dependence is all about ‘you.’ You take care of me, you give me advice. If the advice doesn’t work out, I blame you. Dependent individuals require others to achieve their wants and needs.

Independence – “ME”

Independence is all about ‘me’ or ‘I.’ I am capable. I am responsible. I am self-reliant. I make the decision. Independent people get what they want through their own effort.

Interdependence – “WE”

Interdependence is all about ‘we.’ We can work together. We can discuss this. We can lead and organize. We can combine our collective abilities to achieve even more. Interdependent people accomplish more by combining forces with others.

How do I become interdependent?

I hope that imparted the importance that asking for help is not a sign of immaturity or weakness, but rather a sign of understanding the efficiency behind combined effort. Now is the time for action:

In order to become interdependent, you must be independent first. Covey calls these ‘Private Victories,’ since these are habits and traits that you and only you can work on. The first 3 habits in his book refer to becoming independent.
Habit 1: Be proactive
Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind
Habit 3: Put First Things First

The next 3 habits will take you from independent to interdependent, giving you the skills to fully utilize cooperative strength and partnership.
Habit 4: Think Win-Win
Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood
Habit 6: Synergize

Finally, the 7th habit is to constantly practice, grow, learn, and overall improve on yourself. Whether this is by constantly reminding yourself of the habits, striving to adhere to a growth mindset, or revising your mission statement based off new developments, you must never let your greatest asset deteriorate (that asset being YOU!).
Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw

  1. Inspired by Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effectively People ↩︎